Monthly Archive

No, I have not fallen off the face of the Earth. No, I can’t stay for coffee. No, I’m not getting married to a boy I met at a truck stop. No, I’m not running away with the circus. No, I’m not sure where to go from here. No, it won’t be easy. No, let’s not hit someone’s mailbox, thank you. No, the roads actually are bad.

My hunger for the beauty of this life far exceeds physical hunger. It manifests itself in some of the smallest ways, and yet this is the hunger that keeps my feet moving, my eyes open, and my heart swelling and beating. It’s my hunger for oxygen when I wake in the morning, my hunger to laugh, my hunger to sit and have conversations that last for hours, my incredible hunger to understand how you see your life around you, my hunger to unlock doors, answer questions, put two and two together and to make one plus one equal three.

It’s the same hunger I had yesterday morning while I was walking around looking for the right pair of shoes for you.

I wonder who you are. I wonder what color your eyes are and how they light up when something makes you happy. I’ve never met you and I probably never will, but the idea that I could help make your holiday just a bit sweeter fills me up. I wish I knew what you like to talk about, or what you find pretty, or what your laugh sounds like. I wish I could be your older sister for a day. We would have a blast.

I feel like a small girl in the window seat of the bus. It’s a cold winter day and the bus ride is fairly calm. I am drawing pictures in the condensation on my window. My finger slides across the freezing glass, leaving a clear trail for a few seconds. With each new picture I create a twenty-second masterpiece, and with each new picture I can see the world outside a little bit more.

My grandfather was in my dream last night. I and a few of my family members were cleaning out an attic so to turn it into a bonus room. I was alone in the attic–my mother and uncle were downstairs–when he suddenly appeared in the middle of the room. He was sitting in what looked something like a large rocking chair. He sat still in the chair watching me clean and move his things around the room. After a minute or two he started talking with me.

I didn’t want to sob on his shoulder about how I miss him and how he was going to be gone after a few minutes so after a couple of hugs I started updating him on my life, his kids, and the other grandkids. The whole time I talked about our family to him, he had this small smirk on his face. In fact, he was smiling almost the entire time he was in the room.

That smile filled me up like only love can.

Towards the end of the conversation he said something very encouraging to me about my education and my decisions about where I wanted to go with my life. I wish I could remember what exactly he said.

Why did he appear now? I don’t know.

If seeing him in a dream were some kind of gift, my Christmas would be complete.

I do know that any sadness I felt at the time melted away from his tranquil smile.