I bromes you.

I have to apologize for not paying more attention to my blog and my readers.

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I’ve got stories to tell and pictures to post from Amsterdam. I’ve got lots to talk about the timing of events in my life lately. I have new-born passions and new ambition that is coming into view that are very slowly moving closer to the center of my heart and I barely know what to do about it other than chase them blindly and with mad love. I’ve discovered that I have hope inside of me that I took for granted for the longest time. I’ve found that I disagree more than I thought I did. I’m tired of pleasing people. I’m tired of attempting to look like I’m following the nice little cookie-cutter life that everyone has cut out for me in their heads. I need to slow down and take a few days just to relax and really devote some alone time to myself.

</stream of conciousness> 

You tend to build your life according to the priorites you have… But then what happens when you leave for ten days and come back with completely different priorities? Life feels awkward right now, I won’t lie. And I have no idea what all that means yet for the coming months, but I know it’s huge and it’s gonna throw me for a loop…

And yet I’ve never been so excited for the next chapter of my life.

I have so much to say and yet translating it to the keyboard has become very difficult.

Sitting on the boat in the canal with you at midnight talking helped me make more sense of my life. I wonder where your life went and what you remembered of our conversation the next morning. Your gold eyes flickered while we talked and I hope that you spent the next week knowing that the conversation between you, a film student, and I, a complete stranger standing with my group from America on a bridge, was not just part of your imagination. And if you do think you imagined it, maybe at least you’ll know what I meant by “east of the city” when you go to your next film class.

I was actually leary of talking to you for so long. The rest of the festival went on and the minutes passed. And yet we wandered through the meaning of life without even originally meaning to. You asked me a question that caught me off guard. “So what keeps you believing?” I never answered you and I’m sorry.

You send me messages once a week or so in broken English. At first I didn’t know what to make of them and so I didn’t know how to respond and I ignored your first few messages but now I realize that your messages carry hope and true friendship and support, even if it means spelling “promise” as “bromes” and “protect” as “brotcht” and “missionary” as “mushonry”.

This is the first time I’ve been able to write in what seems like months. I know I’ve usually got a lot of sunlight to pass arond when you read my posts here, but I need some time to turn out the light and wrestle with who I am and who I am becoming.

Jetlag Blue

I know I should be sleeping but I’ve found myself with this desperate need to create. I’ve been taking life in like a drunk takes down alcohol. I went for almost two weeks where every single moment was as strong and powerful as the moment before it and everyday I learned new lessons.

Maybe everyone else has more sense than I do and I’m just the naive child looking around with eyes like Delft blue plates like I just woke to life up this morning.

I feel like the steering wheel of my life has been turned and I am now headed into a life that is not going to go how anyone planned.

The remaining jetlag has laced its fingers into my mind and I’m struggling to stay awake.

I was already feeling nauseous that night but then once the light-headedness started creeping up my neck combined with the overly warm air around me, I knew I had to sit down soon. I knelt down and moved closer to the pair of feet behind me. I pulled my knees up to my chest and let my eyes lazily hang, looking through the railing of the balcony at the concert venue. Clarity was coming back to me with every second I remained on the floor. Looking up I saw towers and faces staring out above me at the stage, and I remember hearing the bass through the floor. It shook the balcony I was sitting on and it felt like the earth was waking up from a deep sleep.

The music poured into and filled my ears like water. I felt Sleep try to take over my consciousness but I held onto the rumbling and shivering bass notes reverberating through the floorboards like anchors.

I tied myself to the wheel and sailed through the restless sea of sound.

Maybe people choose not to feel things deeply simply because they don’t want to stay up until the early hours of the morning rambling about Delft blue chinaware and concerts that had the dynamics of an ocean.

Home is only so close and only so far away.

Two days ago our plane touched down on American soil once again.

Re-entry has been interesting to say the least. I find my American life rather pig-ish which is entirely frustrating.

The trip has brought around a reignition of fire inside me and a reformation of self.

You’ll hear stories and see pictures soon enough; just bear with me while I wrestle with being home.

Goede alvont!

Apparently I so rudely left the blogosphere out of the loop.

Remember how I mentioned that I was going to Amsterdam in May?

Well, I’m here! I’ll be here til Tuesday. Talk to you all then!

Dewey!

Chandelier Rising

And what if I want to be out adventuring at one in the morning? It doesn’t even have to be with anyone. I wish I wasn’t constrained by sleepiness or a disgusting head and chest cold. I’m just in love with the idea of being out, walking on the hushed streets on a cool May evening like this. Light runs along the sidewalks and plazas like rivers and small creeks. It rushes over edges and trickles across intersections and flows quietly along the edges of the road while we all sleep. I want to follow it and pursue it even into the deepest corners of the morning. I suppose eventually I would either be swallowed into darkness that not even the water-like light will touch, or the streams of leaking man-made light would be drown by the light gushing from the sky from a pale yellow heavenly chandelier rising in the east.