During the late hours of the evening I lose the ability to hide much of what I feel. As I grow more tired, the shield that I rely so heavily upon during the day is the first thing to go.
My die-hard optimism dissolves and I’m left alone in the room with my raw emotion. I am forced to be honest with myself because I no longer have the energy to rationalize.
At six o’clock I can argue with you and be frustrated at you for not handing out the benefit of the doubt to people, but by eleven I’m crying and just as confused as you are.
But it’s the conversations that are supposed to end at ten-thirty but end up going until one that help me make sense of my life. I can pour myself out and we can whittle away at our frustration until we come to the root of the issue.
I’ve never been here before, so I don’t have the answers. I’m just as confused as you are, and that has to be enough. All I can offer is what I feel and what I’ve known to be true thus far. So when we hit conflicts, this is what we need to do. We have to carve away at what bothers us, what fills us up, what makes our day, what breaks it. Pull back the rationalization, the excuses, the trivial words we toss out to fight showing our weaknesses. I’ve never been comfortable enough to do that. But if you’ll help me whittle away, dig deeper, and peel back the layers, that’s more than I could ever ask.
We have to follow the veins back to the heart.