[5] Out the Window

Posted on April 9, 2009


I’m beginning to see that I am a mathematician of a line of mathematicians (of the heart). I have to have every piece of my emotions and thoughts all tied together with equal signs, all territory charted and my next moved plotted, or I cannot admit it exists.

Every question has to be considered. Any possible opinion that anyone on the outside could have must be reckoned with. Every piece must make sense and must be practical. Everyone must approve. And if they don’t approve, you must have reasons. Reasons, reasons, reasons.

It’s never been enough to only feel, and I’ve carried that into my life.

Where did I learn this incessant, habitual need to make sure every piece of my being is logical? Why do I feel a need to justify what I feel? Why do I ignore the feelings that don’t make sense?

“What are you feeling?”
“Well… I mean, I don’t like it, but it makes sense, and it’s probably a good thing so I don’t blame you, so… I don’t know.”
“Sweetheart, I love you, but throw logic out the window. I want to hear what you’re feeling. Raw, human emotion.”